Man 'O War

ROYAL ROOTING: 5/20 Surfing to Normalcy

2011-05-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Put aside the "As TheWorld Turns" histrionic forced debacle of the whole Jorge Posada Greek Tragedy, mostly manufactured by the insatiable drama-vaccum of modern sports reporting which on the standard-issue ESPN manual states:

Chapter 3 "Boston and New York Sporting Clashes" Section 2: para.34:
"There must, prior to a Sox vs. Yanks series, be some locker-room story of import from either side (the decision of which we benevolently leave up to you, Journo-Monkey) to enhance and intensify on a personal level and thusly preserve this treasure-trove of ratings and mouse-clicks we call "TheGreatest Rivalry in Sports."

This is right after the section entitled:

Section 1: "Make Mention of Another Random Pairing of Teams which Might be Exhibiting Signs of A Rivalry Just to Keep the rest of America from Feeling Left Out"

and before:

Section 3: "Always Broadcast in Front of a Group of Rowdy, Chanting Fans which will Better Drown out the Anchor should He Decide to Say Something Completely Asinine or Refer to a False Statistic"

Yes, all that aside.

And the O's aside, and the Tiger's aside... on walk-off's.

The Blue Book Exam

Mid-Term Section # 1: Verbal counts for 50% of your grade

1) How does a team adjust to being thrown directly into the spotlight after a major offseason realignment of galactic scope?

2) Once the season starts and the pressure proves to be quite a bit more than expected, how do you recover?

3) When the recovery fails, and you're looking from the barrel-bottom up and sports news entities are calling it Panic-worthy End of Days, how do you deal with it?

Bonus: One of your two major offensive acquisitions is near-hitless the first month of the season, much like both options at the catcher position.

Mid-Term Section #2: Math counts for 50% of your grade

1) How many games does it take to recover from a 2-10 start to the season?

2) Your Captain, who can call the hell out of a game, is hitting sub.100 and might be a hair's breath from retirement.

3) Millions of fans who REALLY don't like to see their team lose.

Response

You make all of the above irrelevant. The Sox are now in a position where losing a game doesn't resonate with the same meteor-crater impact. We are in essence back to a point in the season where the concept of "win some / lose some" is pleasingly normal.

And somehow that drama at the beginning of the season is now dull red and disappearing into the night like a road-sign in the rearview.

Welcome, welcome. We've been expecting you.

-Punchy, Red Sox West

ROYAL ROOTING: One Bad Inning (in One Bad Season)

2011-04-13T05:23:00.000-07:00

It can't be like this all season.
- Jon Lester

The Rays couldn't get much going against Lester last night, but they were able to bunch their hits together -- something the Red Sox are having trouble doing themselves -- and one bad inning did him in.

If you take out the fifth inning, Lester's line is no runs on 3 hits in 6 innings pitched, with 2 walks and 8 strikeouts. And the fifth inning? 3 runs on 4 hits in one inning pitched, no walks, no strikeouts. In fact, he struck out the side in the fourth before giving up those three runs in the fifth, and then he settled down again, facing the minimum in both the sixth (he walked Lopez and then picked him off) and in the seventh (courtesy of a double play).

And the fifth didn't start out so bad; he retired the first batter, Ben Zobrist. (Is there any position Zobrist can't play, by the way? He's listed as a second-baseman, but he definitely robbed Varitek of a hit last night in right.) But then he (I'm talking about Lester again) gave up three straight singles to Shoppach and the two Johnsons (insert joke here) to load the bases. Then the swinging bunt by the New England kid Sam Fuld (Durham, NH) tied the game at 1. (When I saw it live, I thought Gonzalez had a chance to tag Fuld, but after watching the replay, I'm pretty sure his only play was to the plate. Which is why I don't play first base professionally.)

And then, of course, Johnny ____ing Damon came up with the big hit, driving in two more, including the eventual game-winning run. (He's got five RBI so far in this series. Maybe his dad was right, and letting Damon walk after the 2005 season was the Red Sox' biggest mistake since Babe Ruth.)

Sorry, I'm back. I just had to get seven stitches for the hole my tongue poked through my cheek.

So you could say the breaks didn't go their way last night. Offensively, you look at the bottom of the sixth, and Pedroia (who's batting .366!) led off with a double. Gonzalez probably would have had a hit up the middle, except it went off of Price's backside (the pitcher), deflecting to the second-baseman, and instead of having first and third with no one out, you've got a man on third with one out. Later in the inning, Lowrie's two-out double to drive in Pedroia (a rare timely hit, by the way -- Lowrie's also swinging a hot bat; let's keep him in the lineup) may have scored Gonzalez, too, had he been on.

In the 8th, Pedroia was on second again (walk, moved over on a Gonzalez ground-out, which, in fairness, should have been a double play to get Tampa out of the inning, speaking of breaks), and Price hit Youkilis (who's looking a lot better at the plate), taking the bat out of Youkilis's hands and putting it in Lowrie's. Lowrie, a switch hitter, had been 2 for 3 from the right side of the plate, so Joe Maddon, the Rays manager, went to the pen to get a righty and turn Lowrie around. It worked; Lowrie flew out to center.

Tough loss, but Price is obviously a very good pitcher, and it wouldn't be a huge deal if they weren't 2-9 on the season. (With Houston winning last night, the Red Sox now have the worst record in baseball, all by themselves.) And you certainly can't chalk Monday's loss up to bad breaks. I mean, look at the line score:

If they win tonight, they'll be .500 at home. (Which is better than their .000 on the road, I guess.) The team will come around, right? "It can't be like this all season." But when they finally get hot, will it be too late? Will they have dug themselves too big of a hole to get out of?

With every loss, members of the media tell us how the odds of winning a World Series continue to decrease, as if probability matters in baseball. (Technically, they had a 0% chance of winning the 2004 ALCS after going down three games to none.) Taking up the "we still have a chance" argument, though, Jill Seward of NESN points out that the 1991 Minnesota Twins started their season 2-9. And then went on to win 95 games and beat the Braves in the World Series.

Here's my own "we still have a chance" argument. Maybe the Sox will catch a break tonight. It's pouring right now in Boston. Let's hope it keeps on raining, and the game gets postponed until they're playing better ...

- SummerMatt, Red Sox East

ROYAL ROOTING: When Is Early Over?

2011-04-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

The prevailing sentiment on this blog to this point has effectively been, "Sure, the Sox haven't been playing well, but it's early." Punchy and I have both been preaching patience. And I've implied, twice now, that the losses are only magnified because there's no other body of work to compare them to.

But they're not just 1-7 in their last eight games; they're 1-7 in their only eight games. I'd be a fool not to recognize that. So, at what point does the season cease being just a bad start and start being ... well, representative of the season itself?

When Is Early Over?

I'm going to say "not yet," and here's why. I watched a little of the Florida-Houston game last night, and in the bottom of the second, Bill Hall came up with one out. Hall, of course, played 120 games for the Sox last year. This year, he's Houston's starting second baseman, and last night he was batting in the seventh spot. He was batting .160 when he stepped into the box, and then he hit a double to that crazy hill they have in dead center down in Houston.

That one swing of the bat raised his average 32 points to .192. Thirty-two points with one hit! For an every-day player! Next up was J.R. Towles, the catcher last night, batting 8th, with an average of .417. He struck out on a high fastball, and his average dropped 32 points to .385. My point is, when you can affect your batting average by 32 points, for better or for worse, with one swing of the bat, the season can't be too advanced, can it?

(If you're curious, the pitcher, Bud Norris, batting 9th with two outs, doubled Hall home. He later came around to score on a hit by Angel Sanchez. 2 runs on 3 hits, no errors and 2 left; at the end of 2, it was Astros 3, Marlins 1.)

"That Said," Part One

That said, it's obviously pretty frustrating when the Sox have opportunities to score and can't do anything with them. I just told you that the Astros pitcher doubled home a run in the bottom of the second yesterday. In our own bottom of the second, Drew and Lowrie led off with back-to-back singles ... and then didn't go anywhere. Saltalamacchia (.182) struck out, Ellsbury (.156) popped out, Crawford (.152) grounded into a fielder's choice.

Then, in the 8th, Lowrie -- who went 3 for 4 at the plate, though his second-inning error led to New York's first run -- got a one-out hit. Salty followed it up with a single, and all of a sudden they had a little something going -- two on, one out. Robertson and Chamberlain had been lights out, but Ayala now looked like he could have been vulnerable. And they essentially had the top of the order coming up. Ellsbury (the sometimes leadoff hitter, today batting 9th) followed by Crawford (the game's actual leadoff hitter), and then Pedroia (the hottest bat on the team -- .355 on the year after hitting three doubles yesterday, scoring a run and driving in two more).

But we never got to Pedroia. Because Ellsbury flew out to center and Crawford flew out to right. Inning over. (If you were curious, they left Ayala in to pitch the ninth, and Pedroia led off the inning with his 3rd double of the game. He was eventually stranded on third.)

It's early (I swear), and the bats'll come around (I promise) ... but, fellas, we've got to start hitting.

"That Said," Part Two

That said, we've got to stop giving up home runs. 19 dingers in 8 games? That's almost two and a half per game. When Buchholz gave up four solo shots in last Sunday's start in Texas, I kind of shrugged and said, "well, at least there was no one on base each time." Four bad pitches, I guess, right? But, as a team, you can't let the ball leave the yard with that kind of frequency. Buchholz "only" gave up one yesterday (the three-run blast to Martin in the 4th). But Doubront gave up a two-run home run to Granderson in the 5th, and Aceves gave up two solo shots (Cano in the 6th, and Martin's second in the 7th).

(P.S. Say what you want about Granderson, but that kid can work a count. He drew a full-count walk in the 2nd. He drew a 10-pitch walk in the 4th after being down 1-2. And he was down 0-2 in the 5th before working the count full and then going deep, turning a one-run game into a three-run game.)

Dogged by Houston

Bill Brown is the play-by-play guy for Fox Sports Houston, and Jim Deshaies, former Astros lefty, does the color commentary. So I was half-watching the game, like I said, and I don't think they were giving updates on scores around the league or anything; they were just talking about the Yankees-Red Sox game:

Now Houston's also 1-7. (They didn't hold that second-inning lead, by the way. Which, if you're paying attention, you know evened Florida's record to 1-1 in Games I've Watched This Year.) So maybe they were just looking for some solidarity by mentioning the Red Sox. But (1) I thought it was kind of cool that the announcer of an N.L. Central team referred to "Red Sox Nation," and (2) they're right. So let's look at the maligned staring pitching:

And Lackey's got the only win on the team!

Now let's think on those numbers. At this point in the season, Lester's had one poor outing and one good outing. Feeling OK there. Beckett and Dice-K each gave up three runs in five innings in their first starts; not great, but if your team's hitting, serviceable starts. (The counter-arguments are in my head, too, but let's put aside for the moment what we expect of them vs. what they're giving us. We can work with these numbers.) Buchholz is the one that concerns me; no one expected him to have the season he had last year, but there's clearly something wrong there; hopefully he can get that turned around. Lackey, strangely, doesn't concern me. He is who he is. He's going to get double-digit wins, and he may get double-digit losses. He'll give up a lot of runs, but like Andy Pettitte, teams seem to score for him. (Whether you can explain it or not, when something happens often enough, it stops being a fluke.) Just pitch deeper into games, and he and I will be good.

(After pitching a perfect 8th and 9th yesterday, facing the minimum both innings, Tim Wakefield's ERA for the season is 3.00 -- 2 earned runs in 6 innings pitched. I mean nothing by mentioning it; they're just numbers.)

So let's see how Beckett does today. On the one hand, it's one game, out of 162. 1-8 vs. 2-7. But on the other hand, if he can get going, and beat a (hated) divisional opponent ... then we've got Tampa Bay coming into town ... they're also (inexplicably) 1-7 after losing to Chicago yesterday ... I think this game tonight means a lot. It's not the end of the world if they lose it, and it won't automatically catapult them into eventual first place if they win it, but it's a big game, and we need Beckett to be a big-game pitcher, even without his best stuff. Josh, shut these guys up, if you would, please. Thanks.

- SummerMatt, Red Sox East

P.S. If you like this blog, you should "like" our facebook page. There are some great people on there. For example, Kellie, I've never met you, but your enthusiasm during Friday's game was infectious! Thank you!

ROYAL ROOTING: 0-6 on The Eve of the Season Opener vs. the Yankees

2011-04-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

ROYAL ROOTING: It's All My Fault

2011-04-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

I write this while watching Washington play Florida. It's stretch time in Miami, and the game's tied at 3. I'm kind of rooting for Washington, and as I tell you why, you'll realize that Boston's 0-6 start is really all my fault.

I'm in a pool at work where, before the season starts, you pick four teams. At the end of the season, you add up their wins, and the most combined wins takes the pot. There's a catch, though -- each team is ranked 1 - 30, based on the number of wins they had the previous year, and you get bonus "wins" for picking teams that didn't have great years last year. (Philly had the most wins in 2010, and their cross-state neighbors in Pittsburgh had the least wins. Or cross-commonwealth, rather.)

Without getting into the math too much, partly because I'm afraid your eyes will glaze over, but mostly because I'll expose the faulty logic that defined my strategy, you get rewarded for picking teams that you think will overachieve, based on last year's records. I picked Boston (0-6), Washington (1-4, pending the outcome of this game), Milwaukee (3-4; they started 0-4 but have won three straight) and Baltimore (4-1, pending the outcome of tonight's game against Detroit).

I didn't want to pick Boston. There was too much hype, and it's never a good idea to bet on the team you root for. I almost picked the Dodgers as my fourth team. I was this close to picking the Dodgers:

But I picked Boston. They were kind of far down. 10th from the top, based on last year's records. I convinced myself that it was logic driving this decision. And if that wasn't enough, it was pointed out to me -- by an Indians fan, no less -- that I further jinxed the Sox by including that image of the Cleveland grounds crew from Major League in my last post, when there were still two games left in the series. (Thanks, Eric. Good series. Rematch in August?)

Give Credit to Cleveland

Which is a perfect segue into giving the Indians their due. (If "perfect" can sometimes mean "slightly awkward and disjointed.") Before we dump on the Sox (and after we dump on me), let's talk about the 4-2 Cleveland Indians who are now in a three-way tie for first place in their division.

Manny Acta, Cleveland's manager, had this to say after today's game: "We did beat a very good ballclub -- regardless if they're struggling or not. We won and it was a very well-played series. It wasn't like they were sloppy and we got lucky. We played good baseball."

I'll back him on that. I wouldn't say the Sox played crisp ball ... but come on. Asdrubal Cabrera laid down one of the prettiest bunts I've ever seen to drive in today's only run. Look how far outside this pitch is!

And he goes and gets it. Because he has to. Because it's a suicide squeeze and Adam Everett is coming home one way or another. And he doesn't just get a bat on it; he lays it down perfectly. Look where the ball is, and somehow he pushes it fair.

Cabrera had a great series all around, actually. He was 1 for 3 with a double in the first game, scoring one of Cleveland's three runs. He was 2 for 5 in the second game, scoring a run and driving in four more, including the three-run shot in the 6th that broke the game open. And while he may have been hitless today, he drove in the game's only run.

And say what you want about the Sox' lack of hitting, but the fact remains that Cleveland's staff had an ERA of 1.67 for the series. (1) Tomlin pitched well in the first game: 7.0 IP, 1 R, 3 H, 3 BB, 3 K. (2) The bullpen came through when it mattered in the second game, which was in the 5th. Manny Acta handled that situation perfectly, arguably the turning point in the game. Runners at the corners, one out, he goes and gets Talbot, bringing in Durbin, who strikes out Youkilis. Then he brings in Perez, who gets Ortiz to ground out. Inning over; Cleveland hangs onto its one-run lead. (3) Carmona bounced back from his atrocious opening day to pitch seven shutout innings today.

Timely Hitting

Which is a better than perfect segue (according to my exciting redefinition of "perfect") into ... well, dumping on the Sox, like I promised.

In the middle game, Beckett gave up that two-run shot to Choo in the bottom of the first, and in the top of the second, the Sox got those runs right back. And they caught some breaks to do it. Ortiz went the other way to dump the ball into left center. (No, for real. He didn't hit into the shift.) Drew had that checked-swing "excuse me" hit that rolled down the third base line, Tek drew a walk, and Scutaro hit a bouncing ball to short that they couldn't do anything with, scoring Ortiz. Ellsbury grounded out, scoring Drew. Tie game. There wasn't a solidly hit ball the entire inning, but I thought at the time that might be enough to turn their fortunes.

Not so much. Next inning, Pedroia was hit by a pitch and Gonzalez doubled. 2nd and 3rd, no one out. I thought Pedroia maybe could have scored from first, but with no one out, why risk it? Because what Tim Bogar, the 3rd base coach, didn't realize is that Youkilis was going to look at strike three, Ortiz was going to line out to short (again, the other way, though!), and Drew was going to ... also watch strike three go by. And two innings later, they had runners at the corners with one out ... but you've already heard how that ends.

(P.S. The Nationals and Marlins are headed into the 11th inning, still tied at 3. If you were curious.)

A Bad Trip

For those of you who don't live in New England, this is all people are talking about here. Today, I went to the post office, CVS, the liquor store, and the falafel place at the top of my street. Strangers, waiting on me, and instead of asking me how I was, they just shook their heads and said, "Man ... the Red Sox ... what's wrong?" (Although, in fairness, they actually know me at the falafel place. OK, fine, they know me at the liquor store, too.)

But it was just a bad road trip. We'd be up in arms if they went 0-6 in June, too; we just wouldn't have to keep hearing about how this is their worst start since they went 0-8 in 1945, or how they started 0-6 in 1927 and lost 103 games that year (in a 154-game season, no less).

Who cares? Those teams sucked (I say like I was there). This team doesn't (I say confidently, like they've proved it). They got a quality start out of Lester today, and the bats will come around. They begin a 10-game home stand tomorrow, all against divisional opponents ... so the bats do need to come around soon, I get that.

The media asked manager Terry Francona after today's game what he thought the fans' reception would be tomorrow. "I don't know," he answered. "I've got more important things to worry about than how the hell they're going to clap." Fair enough, but Cleveland's total attendance for this past series? 29,142. For all three games combined. There will be more people in Fenway Park for every single one of those 10 games this home stand. Including me -- I'll be at Monday's game against Tampa Bay (Crawford's first game against his old team). And Tito, I promise to clap.

(Good news, by the way: Washington won 5-3, courtesy of Adam LaRoche's two-run shot in the 11th. Maybe I'm off the hook?)

- SummerMatt, Red Sox East

ROYAL ROOTING: On The Season Opening Losing Streak

2011-04-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

ROYAL ROOTING: If They Don't Win, It's a Shame

2011-04-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

I have to admit -- I was pretty excited when Punchy invited me to guest-blog about the 2011 Red Sox season with him. He loves the Sox with an expatriate fervor and zeal that those of us still living inside the 495 belt find tough to match.

And expectations were sky high: Adrian Gonzalez? Carl Crawford? Cliff Lee going to ... well, a team that's not in the American League East? Heck, I was happy just knowing that the Sox wouldn't have to face Crawford 19 times this year; the guy embarrassed Victor Martinez last year by stealing second and third just about every time he got on. And he got on a lot.

But now we're four games into the season, and there's panic in Red Sox Nation. Those sky-high expectations are falling. And possibly the sky along with them. Here's what we know:

The Red Sox are 0-4. Tied for last place with Tampa. (Anyone know how "Devil Ray Nation" is coping?)

Their starting rotation is 0-3 with an ERA of 9.29.

Only four players on the roster are batting their weight. Jacoby Ellsbury just makes it, weighing in at 185 lbs. and batting .188 on the season. (Dustin Pedroia, Adrian Gonzalez and David Ortiz round out the list, if you were curious.) P.S. Does reading "batting .188 on the season" make you laugh, four games in? It should.

Their run differential is -17. Read that hyphen out loud. "Negative seventeen." Or, you could read it as "minus seventeen" if you like. Either way, they've scored 12 and given up 29, which is worst in all of baseball.

And for my personal favorite, Framingham Lou has this to say about the team's catcher: "When he gets in the [batter's] box, Salty looks like he can't wait to hurry up and get his at bat over with." Ouch.

So what does all this mean?

Obviously.

But here's what else we know:

Saltalamacchia may have gone O-for-Arlington, but he reached base in both of his plate appearances last night in Cleveland (1 for 1 with a walk), and he drove in the only run for the Sox. (Eat it, Lou.)

9,025 fans came out in force last night to see the Indians hand the Red Sox their fourth consecutive loss. The Tribe improved their record to 2-2, tying Chicago for second place in the A.L. Central, just a game and a half behind the streaking Kansas City Royals (four-game winning streak, two in extra innings).

Tonight, the two teams will likely play before another 9,000 fans at Whatever-The-Jake-Is-Called-Now Field in raw 40-degree weather. It may even rain. Daisuke Matsuzaka vs. Mitch Talbot.

I have a steady stream of people coming into my cube at work this morning, dying to talk about the Red Sox. And they all look like this:

Not so good, Al.

But if you're a Red Sox fan, here's what you should do: Tune in tonight. It's just a four-game losing streak. Losing streaks suck in April. They also suck in July, and they really suck in September. But things will balance out. The wins will come.

David Ortiz, who's seen his share of hot and cold streaks, is quoted in The Boston Globe this morning, saying: "Everybody's trying hard, man, you know? All it takes is one click, man. One click. That's what changes things around." So watch.

(And if you're a Cleveland fan, just go to the damn game.)

- SummerMatt, Red Sox East

ROYAL ROOTING 4/4: Anterior Reflections on a fetal 2011 Season

2011-04-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

What Do You Mean "Biblical"?

Suffice to say 2010 will never go down as a vintage year for baseball in Boston. At the merciful close of the regular season, the boys in red stockings hobbled across the finish line in what could only be described as a smiting of biblical proportions.

On the final game of the season, a large Humpback Whale could have surfaced from shallow left field, flopped heavily once or twice toward third and swallowed a nigh-upon shit-pants'ed Adrian Beltre whole before disappearing under the pitcher's mound. This would have elicited but a brief moment of pause from the Fenway Faithful before returning to punching the A-rod voodoo dolls handed out at the turnstiles as part of "Yankee Depreciation Day". Only one thing is for certain: Beltre would have found a way to snap one of that poor porpoise's ribs on his way down the gullet.

Epstein Shrugged

A wise man once said, "For each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." If he wasn't a baseball fan before, the 2010/11 offseason will have made astrophysicist Stephen Hawking a life-long convert. This is the type of planetary balance-realignment that would make Ayn Rand's thigh's quiver.

If there was ever a way for the game of baseball to give one particular team the cosmic finger, let it be known that there is a bird so stiffly flipped at the Bronx it could be used to check a prostate. Oh, and it has a fingernail deftly painted with the likeness of Cliff Lee. What have we learned in the Bronx Zoo this winter? That you can't bank credit for a future trade with an opposing pitcher by spitting on his wife. Refer, once again, to the quote at the beginning of the section.

If Lee going back to Philly, barely entertaining offers from New York and Texas, was the last straw then the outright seduction and subsequent eloping of Crawford to Boston was an across-the-bow salvo with enough prestidigitation to make Chris Angel cry on one of the metal buckles of his leather pants. It appears in this case that Karma is not a bitch, it's a meth'ed-out Thai hooker holding a sharpened straight razor

Much Ado about Expectations

So, with more pomp and circumstance than the month of May, the unreachable & bloated expectations landed squarely on the shoulders of the Bostonian Rouge Stockings as they went deep in the heart of Texas.

And were promptly served their asses on fine bone china platters with gold-leaf gild.

What's even more fascinating are the calls for seasonal Armageddon from sensationalist sports news entities that make FOX NEWS seem factual and actually balanced by comparison. Panic in the streets. That's what they want, because nothing's more interesting and eye-catching than a good old-fashioned riot. Especially when the leaps in logic could win Olympic Gold.

What exactly are we panicked about here? That a team lost three games? Are we to surmise this team is destined to lose every game this season and thusly, some other team is destined to win every game? I do firmly believe that this might be the first shred of proof that sitting inside the ESPN studios with it's Vegas-like carnival atmosphere of blinding bright lights and non-stop barrage of flashy graphics on gargantuan flatscreen TV's surrounding the anchor desk might be more damaging to the human brain than playing a full NFL season wearing nothing but bubble wrap as headgear.

The first-ever "Boston Bird Award" which I've just made up goes to you, ESPN pundits. Enjoy:

Inconclusion (Yes, that's meant to be spelled that way)

Three steps for a better Boston baseball experience:

1. Watch the games more than the highlights and incessant punditry. This also includes the Dirtdogs site, which should get the award for most crotchety and cynical website on the planet. I really do think if and when the Sox do win their next WS title, they'll still manage to find something to complain about.

2. Enjoy the games and chill the F@#K out. If you want to stress, do it after the All-star break.

3. Try not to forget we won two (2) World Series titles after a long drought and, despite this piddly little losing streak, the 2011 season promises to be one of the more exciting in a long time.

That is all.

-Punchy, Red Sox West.

Email Delivery Failure -- Egypt

2011-02-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

iPad as stop-motion animation device

2010-09-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

Making Future Magic: iPad light painting from Dentsu London on Vimeo.

KINKO's

2010-04-14T12:22:00.001-07:00

Predator: pred-a-tor: Noun. singular.

1. An organism that lives by preying on other organisms.

2. One that victimizes, plunders, or destroys, especially for one's own gain.
You’re in a jam. You need to print out that trashy magazine article detailing the latest measurements of J-Lo’s buttocks which also comes with a free coupon redeemable immediately for: ONE (1) FUCKING LIFE. But you don’t have a printer, or you ran out of toner months ago, printing pictures of “Ms. Oops, I Did It Again” tongue-fondling “Ms. Like A Virgin” (yeah, like a prayer…)

And that’s when they’ve got you. You just don’t know it yet.

Prepare yourself for a Dantean journey through what should properly be referred to as The Sixth Circle of Hell. For efficiency’s sake they’ve chosen the name KINKOS. For those of you who have never had the gag-inducing displeasure of stepping foot into the sterile confines of this abortion of a corporate sodomy machine, allow me to sum this up as lyrically possible in a parallel allegory:

#1: walk to the nearest National Forest, #2: find a large male grizzly bear, #3: sucker-punch him straight in the penis, and #4: let the games begin.

Also continuing the real scenario, let’s say printing and copying the article about Jenny on the Block’s awesome glutes. You email the article to yourself: douchebag@punkass.net. You walk into one of their establishments. (My, what a lovely National Forest this is!) Everything seems ok. Sure, of course it does! Like a proctologist’s office, they know not to display large penetrating instruments in the waiting area. You step to one of the self-service computers to open up your email. You are promptly instructed to slide your credit card into a little box so that said computer can now begin tabulating the time you spend online and CHARGING you by the minute. That’s a slight knuckling of the balls, but it’s bearable.

From here on, the wheels of this runaway short-bus begin to slowly erode until you have nothing more than a screeching hunk of iron traveling at a high velocity, punctuated by twenty or so blank stares and an average I.Q. of 77. What you don’t know about the computers at KINKOS is they operate at approximately one-tenth the speed of normal ones. (Well Hello there Mr. Twelve Foot Tall Grizzly Bear!) This makes the simple double-click of a link last longer than Stephen Hawking performing an unassisted 100 yard dash.

So, you’ve finally managed to open the file and sent it to print after sitting in your chair long enough to see the counter of your money spent quickly escalating to that of your college tuition loans.
(Whoomph! This being the estimated sound of a human fist connecting with the Ursa Genitalia of one VERY flabbergasted Grizzly.)

At the printer you see that it has not only printed out your one-page drivel on Mrs. Lo’s pooper but also fifty pages that are as blank as the look on the KINKOS employee behind the counter. AND, you were charged fifty cents for every one of those filthy pages.

(After a lot of kicking and whimpering, Mr. Grizzly Bear finally stands back up and to his pleasant surprise finds you waving back and smiling!)

You step up to the counter and begin questioning the KINKOS employee only to find out he thinks Windows Vista is an ammonia-based glass-cleaning product guaranteed not to leave streaks. He properly spits back the KINKOS policy on printing mistakes which begins to fade into the background until what you really hear is, “I have no fucking clue how to solve your problem because I have no idea how to even work a mouse and frankly KINKOS does not pay any of us quite enough to give a sloppy, wet, flying fuck about what those magical machines you were playing with over there did or did not do.”

Therein lies the beauty of any sinister regime, install “representatives to the public” that know a bare minimum, thus, keeping any citizen from asking the right questions or implications to anyone who may be responsible or held accountable at a War Crimes Trial.

(Remember Mr. Grizzly Bear? He now returns the favor by allowing you to find out what your own genitals taste like as a handful of disturbed fellow campers look on, videotape, and practice acting sad for their appearance on the next installment of the new reality-show When Provoked Animals Shred Dumb Fucks. You‘ll be happy to know your segment will go on right after the commercial break and the sweaty fat guy getting corn-holed by a bull’s horn in Pamplona, closed-captioned for the hearing impaired.)

Back to reality, you now dejectedly return to the computer only to realize that your credit card is still in the machine and has been clicking away all of your hard-earned cash that should have gone to purchasing seasons 1-12 of This Old House, you sick bastard.

So you escape the KINKOS, but not until after you are made to wait that extra minute for the credit card machine to log you off and return your card, which you suspect might be only because it automatically filed you for chapter 11 bankruptcy, self-destructed your bank account and forced your card out for the next fool…
And there it is.

Like a bad X-files conspiracy, it hits you. Sure, KINKOS just tied a rabid badger to your short and curlies and slapped its ass, but you’re just one person. Here’s some simple math: Multiply the amount of dollars (or even mere cents) you spent MORE than you planned due to “technical difficulties” with the estimated clientele number for KINKOS nationwide and you begin to see exactly how this franchised cell-mate is making countless innocent Americans reach for the soap on an hourly
basis for only 6 cents a minute and 50 cents a page…

This message brought to you by the National Grizzly Preservation Society, and J-Lo’s ass.

2009 Movie Recap

2010-01-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

Categorized for your convenience:

1)The Mega-budget, screw-the-recession, look-at-the-size-of-my-wiener(ego)-and-how-much-it-cost tentpole films:

Avatar (Yes it's amazing, but for 300+ mil shouldn't it be?)

Angels & Demons

A Christmas Carol (Really just a blueprint and R&D for a future theme park ride)

Terminator: Salvation (Please stop, McG, please)

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra

Sherlock Holmes

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (Featuring the first ever shot of robot genitalia, suck on that Dr. Manhattan!)

Public Enemies

2012 (aka, The Day After Tomorrow: Galactic Edition)

2)The mind-numbingly remedial, pop culture music infested, family fare that's already dated by the time it premieres:

Alvin & the Chipmunks 2: the Squeakquel (Does to my psyche what Rorschach did to that prisoner in the dining hall.)

G-Force (Where's the Richard Gere cameo I was promised?)

Imagine That (Eddie, remember when you held a mic and used to say "fuck" alot? Embrace that again.)

3) The best "Hannah Montana: The Movie" movie:

Hannah Montana: The Movie

4) The best "Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience" experience:

Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience

5) The movie that best describes my feelings toward being forced to watch #'s 3&4:

Deliverance

6)The feel-good, tear-jerking, mental-douche warm fuzzy's. They get me every time too:

The Blind Side

Invictus

It's Complicated (Back in the 80's, if someone had told Alec Baldwin he'd be funnier than Eddie Murphy...)

7)The Animateds:

Coraline

Fantastic Mr. Fox

8) The let's just make this because the kids won't know better... and ka-ching:

Planet 51

Shorts

Hotel for Dogs

9)The pointless remake/sequel made for no other reason than some fancy calculation machine told some scared studio exec he'd keep his job while the next "Fight Club" languishes and grows mold on his desk:

Fame

Fast & Furious: What are they up to now 12?

The Final Destination: What are they up to now 12?

Friday the 13th Reboot: What are they up to now 12? Oh... 13.

Halloween II which is really 11, not quite 12... but that comes out next year... in 3d... yay...

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (When's the meteor due?)

Land of the Lost

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Saw VI (Someone please utilize anti-zombie tactics and nuke the city in the films, this way you'll know Jigsaw's finished. Plus, at this rate he's gonna kill everyone anyway by 2025)

Street Fighter: The Legend of, oh who gives a fuck...

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Underworld: Rise of the Desperate to Keep a Franchise Going

New Moon: Sparkly Vampires chased by Abercrombie & Fitch model dogs while the chick from "Panic Room" cries into her pillow

Dance Flick, the film equivalent of Spam

Pink Panther 2

17 Again, the Spam equivalent of film

10) The actually necessary or worthwhile re-boots/sequels:

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Star Trek

Crank 2: High Voltage (If Fellini directed high concept urban action...)

The Last House on the Left

11) The Did-Anyone-Actually-Read-the-Script-Before-Greenlighting, aka "WTF award":

The Box (Based on Matheson's "Button, Button" and Rain Man's diary)

Gamer (Based on a copy of a copy of a mimeograph of a an email of a fax of what someone thought video game fanboys would want in a movie, then edited into less than 1 second long shots and sprinkled with boobies.)

Knowing (An exercise in systematically destroying, in the final act, everything that was mysterious and suspenseful about the first act.)

Whiteout (Made on a dare, it had to be.)

All About Steve (Enough has already been said about this one)

Gentlemen Broncos

12) The Hi! Do you know me? I'm trying to create the next Harry Potter-style franchise:

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

13) The good for you, way to go, thanks for being original & daring because someone has to even though you may not have succeeded it's still better and more intellectually gratifying than being subjected to films like The Squeakquel and wanting to inject gasoline into my eyeballs and lighting them films:

Subcategories:

Bingo! (German for groundbreaking):
(500) Days of Summer

Drag Me to Hell

Away We Go

Bride Wars

Funny People

The Girlfriend Experience

Thirst

Moon

The Hangover

Zombieland

Humpday

The Hurt Locker

The Informant!

Inglorious Basterds

Up in the Air

Observe & Report

Paper Heart

Precious

The Road

A Serious Man (The Cohen's in my opinion could actually make an entertaining movie about paint drying)

The Limits of Control

Meant well but missed the mark, still better than watching something formulaic:

Paranormal Activity

Pandorum

Push (Or as I'd like to call it, Heroes: The Movie)

The Lovely Bones

14) Finally, the category for movies that in all essence should not have been made were it not for the zeal and gusto of talented people in high places willing to take a chance on making something that will truly stand the test of time, aka the "Fight Club" award:

Watchmen

Where the Wild Things Are

The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
District 9

*Kidding about Bride Wars.

Two Short Stories Optioned from Award-winning Writer Terry Dowling

2009-05-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone who spends any time around me knows I'm an avid reader. Throughout 2008, "The Procedure" was in it's festival run and I was thinking about the next project. Early on, I began reading short story anthologies.

Along the way, I discovered a multitude of new writers that I'd never even heard of. Folks like F. Paul Wilson, Bentley Little, and Koji Suzuki. I also devoured the collected short works of writers I've admired for a long time like Richard Matheson, Harlan Ellison, Cornell Woolrich and yes Stephen King.

Doing a quick count on my bookshelf, I've blasted through 29 short story books. Goddamn, that was a fun year. There's a lonely sadness that comes with finishing the last book you can find of an author's short works, especially if that author is no longer with us. If they are, it's mixed in with generous amounts of anger at the audacity of said author for not continuing to write shortform. I'm looking at you Mr. Ellison. Give me more of your drug, man, I'm jonesing.

By the end of the year, I'd developed a mental top 5 of stories that I would absolutely LOVE to have a crack at adapting for film. They may not be the same top 5 another person would pick having read the same stories, but I was going for something specific. I was looking for stories that followed tonally and stylistically similar to "The Procedure". What were they? I'm not gonna tell, because with a little luck I hope to someday have the good fortune and pleasure of doing all 5.

But in a flash of courage one morning, I did reach out to the writer who held the top spot on my 5, and that I can talk about. His name is Terry Dowling. If you haven't heard of him, seek out his works for they are many and they are great. I was pleased to discover we share many similar opinions on horror films and where the genre should go from here.

So to wrap this up, I'm happy to announce the partnership is official. I've recently picked up the exclusive option for two superb short stories which I intend to adapt into feature scripts. Possibly as a short as well. The first, and this was the #1 story on my top 5, is entitled "One Thing About The Night", which appears in the horror short story anthology book "The Dark". It was also selected for "The Year’s Best Fantasy 4" anthology in 2004. The second is "Maze Man" published in 1984 and appears in his collected short works book "Basic Black: Tales of Appropriate Fear".

Terry's unique short stories are comparable to watching a David Fincher film. You often have no idea where you're being led, but at the same time you're loving the ride. Some stories are fun mind-bending nuggets that would feel quite at home as an episode of "The Twilight Zone", while others present you with a hairline sliver view of an immense world rife with possibilities that leave plenty of questions and talking points to discuss. Something more writers and filmmakers should aspire to impart upon their audience whether they like it or not.

I can only hope to do the stories and Terry proud. Wish me luck.

"Reality" TV

2009-04-25T00:17:00.000-07:00

The alarm goes off in the morning, hit snooze. It goes off again, hit snooze... again. Wash, rinse, repeat until the pressure on your bladder hits the same psi rating as that on the headband preventing Bill O'Reilly's noggin from taking up an entire zip code.

Get to work, grab coffee (or tea, or even the dreaded decaf for those social subnormals in our midst. Honestly, it's either caffeinated or just drink water) and then complain about the fact that the commute sucked, the office printer is out of paper or the new paperclips made of recyclable aluminum aren't strong enough to Clockwork Orange your eyes open throughout the day.

Come home to watch a dance competition of has-beens from every echelon of entertainment attempt to defibrillate their infarcted careers by learning to rhumba at the risk of pelvic fracture or -even worse- becoming famous again.

Flip to the show where "real, actual" Orange County bitches complain about their failed marriages and their super-failed extramarital affairs, which is reminiscent of the other show where fake, imagined (but amazingly less siliconed) suburban housewife bitches complain about their failed marriages and dreadfully failed extramarital affairs.

Next, flip over to the show about plus or minus eight (strangely, also corresponding to IQ) fame-hungry, star-fucking Ed Hardy twats fighting over such deeply profound social dynamics as who splashed beer-addled urine out of the toilet bowl and onto the Williams-Sonoma wallpaper. Manipulated drama unfolds from their out-of-context remarks to each other filmed days apart, coupled with forced outings to some location that deeply contradicts one group member's strong personality trait (e.g., taking the staunch Vegan to the Morton's Steakhouse so she can drink iced water and cry on a bloody, still-pulsating porterhouse when it gets "inexplicably" mixed up with her order of steamed vegetables and crushed thyme powder.)

Quickly move on to the must-see-tv, Rashomon-style rehashing of said traumatic event through the eyes of the remaining jackal pack in their post-outing interviews conducted by some underpaid producer so bored out of his mind he leaves the camera running to find a dark corner in order to gain some pleasure from his workday by vigorously masturbating to the sound of a broadcast test pattern all the while thinking about how many wannabe actresses he'll be able to insert that same member into once he tells them the glamorous version of what he does for a living.

Come to the realization that religion is no longer the opiate of the masses. It has now been replaced by Reality TV, and it is publicly sucked up quicker than tv/film rights to the modern day clown-car vaudeville act is the Octomom's uterus.

Turn to more high-brow fare: The spidery web-like herpes rash of shows that consist of:

1) a sexually ambivalent ex-porn "star" looking for love in the form of men, women, farm animals or high-functioning single-cell invertebrates willing to prove their undying devotion by doing such heinous things as eating the pink thing hanging off the back of a baboon or watching FOX News for fifteen minutes with the sound on.

2) a has-been rock idol on the quarterly search for true love in the form of 18-something bleached-blond kindergarten dropouts who were only 3 years old when said rocker was post-concert hoovering lines of coke & crushed Frankenberry off 18-something bleached-blond kindergarten dropouts. It's the hair band power-ballad equivalent of a Mobius Strip. If he manages to pork these women fast enough inside a large hadron collider, scientists have theorized he may be able to penetrate the space-time continuum. Call it the Fux Capacitor.

3) a former contestant of a former tv series where a former celebrity was looking for love... uh, looks for love... with... must stop aneurysm.

Rest assured no career is ever too dead, no bottom-of-the-barrel too scraped, no B,C or D-list too F'ed. When all other competitions fail, there's the option of a massive narcotics & alcohol bender then waiting until the rehab show calls.

Then it's the fast-track to the final circle of hell... being fired as an apprentice by a man who every day looks more like William Shatner, while conversly every day William Shatner looks more like a billionaire.

Peace.